everythin is over. wats the point of getting all 'A's now when i can even go there. so bad tat i don even wanna talk abt it. paper 1 die. paper 2 even worse. *sigh* just when u feel lik studying u don hav the chance n before we just take everythin for granted n wats the point looking back now? of course who knowa miracle happen but just try my best n who knows. the worse it gets is i cant o for malay but still doesnt make a diff. don feel lik doin anythin. don wanna dance don wanna go anywhere. of course ppl will chop my head off. y when everytime u hav confident in smt then u ended up disappointed? y must it be now? can it get any worse than tis? =( im so busted! guess i will be only one left out. oh well...better than seeing others in my shoes. no use feeling pity also. the price i pay who not workin harder earlier. just hoping for a miracle now though it never happen to me before anyway just keep goin. still better than rotting. *sigh* *SO disappointed* i really appreciate the motivation ppl hav given me though its last min but atleast i try though ppl in my family most prob wont believe but i deserve it no? for being so lazy. i think i may hav also disappoint others cos they always give me support n hav high hopes but i let them down. =( sorry...guess im goin to lose everythin. hav to start from square 1. no MD n i hav being warned by sum1 tat if i don get in MD tat person wont talk to me. thx for motivating me for so long. let u down also. *sigh* =( still hoping for a o in malay but will i get it?

oh...how long i waited for tis day to add a new post. *gasp* tomolo malay hope i do well. if i don bye MD *sniff sniff* CHOI!!! cannot must be positive must believe i can. i hav to give it my all even if im so lazy n it kills me but im willing to change if given the chane now a lil too late but miracles happen plus i hav to work hard too. question is how to motivate urself? by comparing urself wif ppl dunno how many thousand miles away. those poor souls. no offence but wish i could help. kasian~ if everyone in the world willing to donate JUST JUST $0.50 imagine the world population. it could really make a BIG diff. hehe...better don go too far from the original topic. GCE!!!! *panic* *pressure* WAH!!! *slap* ??? being too dramatic. ^^ now tat i think abt it who is +pear ice+??? thx for commenting though but just curious abt ur identity. hmm...*30 sec ltr* no clue. -_-'' anyway think after olvl since im feeling the pressure. not bad i realli can change topic so fast. *victory dance* -_-'' smt is wrong wif me today. wah!!! rising sun...no!!! i actually stinks. *sigh* cant do anythin if ur not talented but guess its a more challanging *if tats how u spell* if everythin is abt hard work. can train myself. oh...p.s thx to the ppl who read n comment my blog though very kek dao when someone tot i propose to steph. -_-'' thx anyway. u know who u r. ^^ *peace* hopefully everyone hav a bright future. wish everyone luck. ^^ last yr...*sad* good times. thx everyone! *tears of joy* actually don hav but ai yo...suan le la overjoy. there tats better. ^^

*sigh* dunno wat im goin to do now n wat bad timing. im so lost. i dunno wat to do anymore. wat to think. cracked just now. gomen steph! im so sorry. its sudden i also dunno wat happen. its too sudden. morning im still ok. er...not sec thought not realli. damn it. timing really is bad. wonder wat more will happen. *sigh* im so dead...how am i goin to bounce back from tis now? =(

ai yo! so many probs nowadays. haha...wif frens, families blah blah blah but u know we got to change for the better. learn from mistakes. though its not wat we wanted but the best is yet to come so don give up hope so at the mean time try our best to do wats best for us n our future yea? feel alot better after havin a 'talk' wif my bros n my bro is right. well...part of it is maybe coz i experience b4 so i know but nevertheless good havin ppl u can depend on. ^^ lik my dad said we 'bros' must look out for each other so must change not only in tis area but others also. not only bros, but sis, family, frens, everyone. gotta learn to control alot of things n don waste time on things tat arent meant to be. oh well...i also dunno wat to say but whoever read tis maybe u all can try also. change for the better so in the end everyone benefit n the one who benefit most is the one who's doin it. don u believe so? good manners, polite, friendly n all these will get u to very promising things but of course nth is easy. u will suffer once in a while o maybe alot but don give up hope. im sure everyone hav ppl they can rely on n its good. u all may not realise but who knows the one who u can rely on most is the ones u least expect so tats y don hope, don expect. let everythin flow naturally. sure hav alot of ppl who just don take advice. i admit i used to be lik tat o maybe i still am but after u experienced it u will know wats it lik. so for those who don take advice they will know sooner o later. everyone is different n tats wat make us unique. u may think ur different from the others but who knows there r ppl out there who knows more than u. every probs can be solve. just hav to find the right ppl n always look out for each other. after all its tough being on ur own n tats y we hav reliable ppl here. of course everyone make mistakes after all nobody is perfect but u hav to be firm n learn from it n there will always be ppl there to pull u up though u may not want it but u will regret everythin. make sure to always think twice before acting n don regret later by the time u lose everythin. life is a mystery. even albert einstein himself was so amazed at the wonders of the universe tat he said 'there must be a god!' i guess tats connected to tis topic. *toink* haha...XD we may not experience every joy n every types of sorrow but there r ppl who share the same probs. express urself. ^^dedicated to those tat help me alot. thx u all. ^^

*phew* took along break from my blog. so bored so might as well drop off a post here. let's see pesat sukan volleyball lost all the match. haha...funny when u think abt it. we r simply not good enough. crazy see the way they play but not bad so lil trainin n we did ok but not good enough to win though. haha...saw the time table for GCE'o'lvl n was quite happy i finish mine at 16nov but con is less time to revise. haven been going school these few days. so tired. stupid volleyball. reached home everyone nite around 10+ feel lik dying n muscles hurts lik nuts. cant wake up knowin got school de nxt day. haha...XD nth interesting happen today. hmm...wonder how's everyone at school? feel lik i haven go there in ages. was feelin kinda down at tuition but didnt affect me much. i guess. ^^ still can smile. oh well...it's back to school for me. hav to go there tomolo. haha...

just let it flow naturally. tat sentence is er...how u say...er...dunno how to express in words but anyway mood hav restored to normal but still not a 100%. *sigh* sleep in class lik a pig just now. haha...kinda tired n loss all my mood. XP currently mood restore but tired again. im lik 60 kg now i gained 2 kg. WAH!!! *panic* *exercise exercise* NO!!!! im being dramatic haha...but i was shocked though to see 60kg. oh man 2nd trial is coming soon. hav to give my all. guess there's nth i can do abt de situation. haha...so y must i make my mood sink then? i can just be happy. haha...*speechless* kek dao...natural? oh well...^^ just leave it be. im sure i will be fine gua. haha...XP if not then im sure there a ppl who wont leave me alone de right? *waiting for respond but hearing my own echo* haha...oh well...getting high again not enough sleep maybe n really feel lik dancing. *sigh* say so much but deep down who knows wat im thinkin. ^^

haha...the dance has finally ended. was quite nervous when we r abt to start but after tat hmm...not nervous anymore. just had fun there. i luv dancing. grab every opportunity tat comes my way. haha...XD so happy. its kinda a nice feeling. luv it lots! XP *sigh* so high now dunno y n get to watch bball match for free. PBA all stars win in the end. oh well...was more interested in de dance than the match. ^^ hehe...

*phew* am very calm these days though hav many fan nao but not thinkin of anythin n there's nth to put me down atm. feel very relaxed n very busy wif dances. one for rimula closing ceremony on sun n another on teacher's day. keep myself busy n i find it very comfortable n in way. had alot of fun dancin. sweet~ there's nth to think abt anymore. its coming to its end. finally! how long hav i been waiting for tis day but am i supposed to be sad o happy? im just glad i managed to handle it calmly but hurts still. oh well...im goin to be thrown away sooner o later anyway. still not a talkative mood except online other than tat nah! but smile more than usual. good for me but at de same time bad. lik i say everythin has its advantages n disadvantages. haha!!! XD

yesterday was the officially opening ceremony for my recovery but things dont seem to go as i planned. after today i just become more n more confused. im used to being lonely but i never felt tis lonely before. i know it shouldnt be lik tis. i dun even know wat my heart is really saying. im still blur, confused but yet sort of happy for some reason. i know during de time as i fall deeper, there r ppl who r willing to pull me back up. im really grateful but even if smt lik tis happen but wat am i really thinkin still remains a mystery. im as confused as ever. letting some out in the blog make me feel a lil better but deep inside nth has change. make some progress in talking to ppl again but *sigh* forget it. think abt it also no use. i will never be wat i wanted. guess it just werent to be n tat suxs. there's no point staying in the shell for so long. i tot my probs were extraordinary but guess its just a tiny bit of wat other ppl prob is. guess im dumb. wat there to say? let things flow naturally i guess. *sigh*

*phew* finally recovered. its all so simple once i think abt it. wat for i become lik tis? there's no point really. not bad another 3 post in 1 day. ^^ but only prob is will i still be able to blend in? i dont mind really but will de others mind? NO!!! haha...im startin to become dramatic but seriously will de others mind? oh well...mood lower compared to just now. tired oledi haha n tomolo hav chem. aww man!!! though wansien tell me the important topics but i dunno how to study. i've been isolating myslef these days n my mood is lik it hit rock bottom for de past week but thx to a event whereby all these just cant go on. well...personally im not sure de others care whether im lik tat o not but to those tat care um...im sorry n i'll just forget wat happen then n start afresh but will i succed is another thing. *phew* feel alot better now. i know i cant be lik tis but yea. ^^ a thousand smiles to those tat hav been smiling to me n im here compensating eveything. ^^ lame right? XP thx alot everyone! *hugs* tired so just stop here. updating soon. haha!!! XD tired. oh well..goin to hit the hay soon. over n out! bb! ^^

another post in de same day. *sigh* i decided im not goin to live a lie anymore. there's just no way its goin to happen. who am i kidding? y did i even do it? i just get hurt in the end n all i can do is run away. i just dont wanna face it. everythin is abt to end. *sigh* don even wanna dance. feel lik quitting but wonder wat will the other 13 ppl think. just couldnt be bothered wif anythin. im just being selfish i do realize tat but at tis stage, events after events, wats there to think? one day i will lost ABSOLUTELY everythin. just a matter of time. oh well...too bad for me then. who cares? if i don even care much anymore, who would? when will tis come to an end?

managed to get over it for awhile. found ways to distract me but in the end everythin just keep coming back. i think i hav had too much tat i cant even express the right emotions anymore. wonder wat these mean? watever i do cant seem to get my mind off it. watever tat has happen. the ones i regretted so much n the ones tat made me happy, everythin is so messed up tat the ones i regretted dont seem to be affecting me anymore. i tot i managed to tot of a solution to solve tis prob but instead my heart was tellin me another thing. wat is all tis? i don think i can take it much longer. fact is i just wanna be alone. i don wanna blend anymore but of course i will still talk to ppl if they talk to me. i don totally ignore them now will i? *sigh* there's nth left for me to do. thinkin abt it i know wont solve anythin but at these stage i just don know. i never had these feelings before. advice just wont go in at de moment. can say im stubborn n dont know how long will it take for me to snap out of all these but now its impossible unless a miracle happen but i too had given up on miracles. it just werent meant for me. *sigh* just other ppl will had more luck than me n all i can do is sit there watchin as i see smiles on their faces. all these just makes me wanna run away from everythin as fast as possible. i don wanna face it. its too painful. i don wan it. just keep running n never look back but normally i will look back n it hurts even more. *sigh* it hurts watever i do. there's memories in everythin. tats wat hurts ALOT. will i ever be TRULY happy once again? if yes, when? if no, *speechless*

tats it! i've hav had it. there's no point of everythin anymore. everythin is DAMN clear to me. i don care anymore. just think abt it n everythin tat had happen its all just CRAP!!! y do i even bother? everythin is just an illusion, EVERYTHIN!!! wats the point of it? ARGH!!! i was livin a lie of these while. I DON CARE ANYMORE!!! Y IZZIT LIK TIS?!!! WAT A WASTE OF TIME!!!!! ARGH!!! WAH!!!!! KJFHLKEHBFGOI:WEHFGOHWFPOJWFOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

not good~ 3 post in 1 day. *sigh* *deep breath* trying to keep my cool. mood had sunk to the lowest lvl. wats the purpose of all tis anyway? i seriously don get it? y is my life upsite-down? is someone out there playin tricks on me? competely speechless now. wats there to say? wats there to do? i cant do anythin can i? im doin 2 different things. i don know wats the right path. not in a talkative nowadays. wats come over me? wat made me lik tis? im not sure myself. just after all tat hav happen. i just......just cant think properly atm. will i ever recover? for long more will ppl keep askin me y am i lik tis? managed to keep my cool while postin. *sigh* doubt tat there will be a good nite sleep. atleast some rest since tomolo hav school. try n make sure i wake up on the right side of the bed n de wrong one. *sigh* typin tis isnt helpin me at all. *sigh*

wat hav i done? do i deserve tis? wats de purpose of wats happenin? do my eyes deceive me? y am i seeing things lik tis? oh my goodness! wats goin on? suddenly mood startin to sink to the lowest level n questions keep poppin in my head. wats goin on? care to explain everythin in detail? wats goin to happen to me? am i lik tis? do i deserve it? *sigh* dunno wat to say anymore. i don hav power. i cant do anythin. *walks away in silent*

i cant do it. i cant stop it. all the happiness, all the sadness, all the memories bring pain but one smile surpasses all tat. wats tis? guess its hard to forget everythin. its just not possible. everythin soon will vanish right infront of my eyes so y don just get ready for it? seems lik im not doin a good job arent i? the feeling of being concern, worry, everythin is still there. it just cant seem to fade away despite after wat happen these few days. wats tis feeling? just one i repeat one smile make me forget everythin. all the pain everythin vanish in thin air. im sorry! im so sorry! nothin is goin to change. don worry. im not goin anywhere. i will always be there. i will never leave. *smiles* a thousand apologies! everythin is complicated. the feelin i received, izzit friendly.............*silent*................does anyone feel the way i do? do u? thinkin back wat happen just now. hmm....*smiles*

ARGH!!! am coughin lik crazy these few days. today was de worse of all. feel lik i could cough out my internal organs. how cool is tat?! NOT! don wanna die yet though im being cursed by 'the most kawaii gurl on earth.' lol. feel lik im recovering at a fast rate but guess not. finally get to watch high school musical yesterday. i luv their dance. the song too but a short scene happen there n completely spoils my mood. *sigh* y did it hav to be lik tis? i know i did alot of mistakes but *sigh* talking abt it spoils even more of my mood. guess im lik a walkin dead now. feel lik i lost of my expressions. its kinda weird but makes u wonder tat all the happiness u had, everythin is just a illusion but deep down, all the pain is just waiting for its chance to erupt. *sigh* how did it become lik tis? can anyone tell me?! can u?!

though in some ways we think alik but guess nobody understands how i feel at all. still not recovered yet. cant believe wat hav i done?! everything seems so complicated n everythin is lik one big blur. can anyone out there tell me wats goin on?! *sigh* wonder wat will happen nxt time. im so stupid! wat was i even thinkin?! all these 'thoughts' n yet all so useless. *sigh* can u tell me wats goin to happen?! y did i even think tis way? y am i askin so many questions? didnt i mention noboby truly understands how i feel? oh well....wats goin to happen to me? guess sleepless nites n .......just makes things worse n it definitely isnt a good sign. *sigh* i keep trying to comfort ppl when they're down but guess i cant even help myself. =( *sigh* don think, don think. tats wat i keep telling ppl but now things r so complicated n i dunno wat to do anymore. will i ever recovered? we'll just hav to see dont we. =(